I wonder how many people have actually used that line out of Slumdog Millionaire in their own lives. I wonder how many people can relate all to well to Sylar. Originality is near non-existent, because whenever something original is created, it is copied as a meme within seconds around the entire world.

And so it is, that I am the last one left. It is quite sad, in one way, to be the last of anything, but by time, there will be none left at all. Sigh ... again, no originality, but the words speak the truth.

We are all longing for something, searching for something within our this drama filled fuck fest that is life, after all, is that not all that life is? Nothing more than one giant fuck fest?

Someone said to me that I made quite a few mistakes in my life, I do not think so. Looking back on my life, I do not regret anything that I did, I regret a few things I did not do, but I can always make up for them. When you seriously take a look back at my life, it is everything everyone else did that fucked things up for me, people getting involved in my life when they should have stayed away.

Of course every action you do, every person you meet, every word you say will have consequences on not only your life, but everyone you come into contact with. Everything is so closely interwoven with everything else, one slip of the tongue here could end someone's life over there.

So who is to blame when things go bad, is it the straw? Or is it the camel? I would like to think it was the person that caught the camel from the wild, to use a payload, the very first event. We can all look back on our lives and find moments that drastically changed the direction that our lives were heading. But what if there was one single moment in your life, that was a catalyst for the chain reaction of horror that would follow ...

I knew someone once, who had to make a choice between their unborn child and their partner, the person chose the child, the child was stillborn, and they ended up loosing both the child and their partner. I asked if this was the catalyst, other people believe it is.

Were we already like that, who we are now? Was everything written before we were born?

Someone has made some choices I do not agree with, I see it as wasting their lives. But everyone tells me this is normal, especially for Asian culture. It is a knife through my heart, but I cannot do anything from here, and even if I was there, what good would be yelling, screaming at them, how the fuck can they be so stupid. But then again, I already know the answer, they were always like that. As someone once said to me, always like that ... just not themselves around me.

Do you think the whole purpose of life is just trying to find out who we really are. From the events that happened, the bridges we burnt, the hearts we broke, the scars we hide, can we find out who we really are.

If only people could see my scars, I would be left alone ...

And what is it that we really want in life. In the 24 years I have been here, I have not achieved anything, and lets say for arguments sake, that is probably 25% of my life over already, what was meant to be the best quarter of my life, has nothing to show for it but painful memories. Memories I struggle with everyday to hide at the bottom of my heart, to try and keep from lurking in the back of my head, but it is a never ending struggle with what has been, and what you fear will come.

When I start thinking about it, everything that is, is meant to be.

I am but a mere consequence of the events that happened to me, and the way in which I chose to deal with them.

The events in my life have drastically carved out my life like nothing else has, and the person in which I am today. You can be married to someone for 50 years, and they will still keep secrets from you. In the end, it is just all about forgiveness ... fuck we need to have a lot of that just to keep sane.

I know of the horrors that lurk in my mind, I know of the monster I can become. But I believe most people are like this, most people can relate with Sylar, because we all have those thoughts, those feelings, but how long can we control them, before we let the beast run loose. And are we really that monster all along, the one we hide, we keep hidden within our mind, or are we actually the good person, the façade that we put on for show to everyone, and not that which has yet to come to be.

But it is quite a sweet irony. The events in which I have had to deal with lately, how closely they are integrated with the rest of my life, and what is to come. My heart is becoming colder as a result, I am becoming stronger, the sadness is being replaced with vivid resentment towards those who have interfered and deterred my life from it's original beautiful course. I know now what I want.

We can all go around telling people we changed, and they all can call bullshit to our claims. So God gives us a test, if you ask for courage does God give you courage, or the chance to be courageous? I know now the person I am, how strong I am, how much I am willing to fight, and what I have at my disposal. Everything is clear to me, every event, every action, every consequence. How everything in my life has spawned itself from a single event, how every other person I have ever came into contact with, how I have had such a remarkable influence on their lives, for better or worst.

And then there is that resentment, that drive, to make me go forward.

Everything is already written, what is meant to be will be, I am living proof of that.

I know what is going to happen, I see it coming, I know empires will fall, and I love that feeling.

To all my friends, I love you all, stay safe, think less.